I’d go through the depths of postpartum over and over and over again if it meant that I get to celebrate life alongside and through the eyes of our miracle baby.
Happy Transfer-iversary, Glennie Grae!
One year ago today, we transferred two tiny, microscopic embryos. Today we sit here with our vibrant, friendly baby girl. We are carving out some time to give thanks to all that my body endured over the past year, as well as immense gratitude for the endless laughter that our little one brings to each and every day.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 2020 has been a year to remember, that’s for sure! We are thankful beyond measure, no matter what.
From Three Embryos to One Fetus
I wrote this before this pandemic hit, when we were filled with nothing but relief and excitement. I felt so grounded. Once again, there's so much uncertainty that fills the space between us, similar to when we were going through infertility. But this time, we have a little life growing inside of me, and we know firsthand that growth emerges out of the darkness, and that everything will be okay.
Between Then & Now
Gifts from the Divine
The Bitter Stage of Grief and Baby's First Christmas Pajamas
I’ve officially entered the bitter stage of grieving. I don’t always recognize myself in this stage, but deep down I know that to be here is an essential part of healing. I am a witness to my grief, allowing it to come and go as it pleases. Being in the thick of it can be paralyzing, but ignoring it is even worse. And so it is.
Finding Magic in the Journey
What is unfolding right in front of our eyes is beautiful. We get the chance to lean on Western medicine and the assistance of fertility experts to try to bring the souls of our baby(s) to Earth. It can still be conscious conception! Instead of getting wrapped up in how we think things should go, I will surrender and remember to come back to my womb and live in presence, just like on canoe trip. Feel into whatever I’m feeling at the moment. We must surrender to the ebb and flow of life. When we do this, we can find the magic in our journey.
1,460 Days
Deepening my Spirituality through Fertility Work
Create Space
"Make space, soften, and come home. Through that, I will expand. Through that, I will create new life."
Lately, I’ve been thinking about and focusing on these three statements:
- Breathe Deeply and Create Space.
- Soften and Connect to the Cosmos.
- Come Home.
Breathe Deeply and Create Space.
Slowing down, breathing deeply, and creating space are important for our well-being. We want, want, want. “I want a baby NOW! I want more money! I want to lose ten pounds!” We go, go, go. For me, I hurry to work, rush through the work day to meet a utilization goal set by a white man in a suit, possibly rush to an event after work that feeds my soul, go to yoga, fly home to help cook dinner or walk Keeva, be sure to eat nourishing meals to boost my fertility, clean the dishes at light speed to make time for Graeme, maintain relationships and text everyone back, try to stay sane, pack more obligations into my calendar, and for the love of all things Holy, try not to let anyone down. We work, work, work. We keep climbing that invisible ladder to try to get ahead and live the American Dream. (puke)
Even writing this made my heart race!
A lot of us are consumed with working hard to get to the top of the corporate ladder, or working out to get that perfect body that we imagine, and when these things don’t happen, we blame ourselves and wonder what we’re doing wrong. Well, you’re not doing anything wrong. Just slow down, appreciate your breath, and love yourself. Love is the key ingredient in all that we do, and if we make an effort to do these things, we will create the space that we need to thrive.
Soften and Connect to the Cosmos.
What does it mean to you to soften and connect? For me, the first word that comes to mind is expansion. My heart expands, letting me love more deeply. My womb expands, making room for creation, writing, and conception. My mind expands and makes space for stillness. My energy field expands, sending waves through our collective consciousness.
When I say Connect to the Cosmos, I am referring to the universal life force and energy within all of us as well as the world around us. Pay attention to the phases of the moon, gaze at the stars, walk barefoot on the Earth, listen to music, eat plants, meditate in a way that energizes you, and get intimate with your soul.
Come Home.
Graeme and I finally watched our wedding video the other day. It’s been almost five and a half years! Clearly, I didn’t heed my advice about creating space until now. At any rate, memories of joy and happiness flooded our living room. It feels like yesterday that we were there saying our vows and laughing with our loved ones.
One moment in particular stood out to me. During my dad’s speech, he said, “We just like to spend time together. We don’t have to talk much or do anything, we just like to be together.” I’m in awe of how profound this statement is. I’ve always been in awe of his succinct words of wisdom. To me, spending time with loved ones feels like going home, no matter where you are.
It got me thinking about having this relationship with myself and what it means to “come home”. Struggling with fertility, I question my body’s ability to do what it’s supposed to do. In reality, my body is my home. It’s comfortable, soft, and healthy. And, it will be the first home of our children. I now see the importance of spending more time with myself, in my body, connecting to the Divine and softening into my home. This provides time for reflection, gratitude, and peace. It also provides time to pause and acknowledge my great joy as well as my great suffering. Not only mine, but the people around me, too.
Slowing down and softening are important for creation, conception, and opportunity. No matter what phase of life you’re in, it’s important to remember to create space. Space for reflection, transformation, and joy.